Metal Gear Pressing Issues
by Liquid Gear
Summary: *IT'S BACK* Where Ocelot and nudist all come togather and share. Please R and R.
1. Episode 1: Gun Saftey

Note: Konami and Rockstar owns everyone oh yeah and I really don't hate the x-box or Microsoft...a lot  
  
Maurice Chavez: Hello and welcome everyone to Pressing Issues the #1 hit show in Vice City. This is your host Maurice Chavez. Today's topic is 'Gun Safety.' With me I have 3 very different views of gun safety. My first guest is a legendary Mercenary David.  
  
Snake: Hold it Chavez no one says the 'D' word the name is Snake go it?  
  
Maurice: Of course Dav..Snake whatever you say. Anyway moving right along our next guest is a Russian guy named Sahala..ummmmm..shalasah..uhhhh.  
  
Ocelot: *Sighs* Look just call me Revolver Ocelot...stupid people that can't say Shalashaska..*Keeps grumbling*  
  
Maurice: Ok Ocelot..wait isn't that a bird?  
  
Ocelot: *Takes out his revolver* You wanna say that again.  
  
Maurice: *Nervously* No I was just saying. Now please Mr. Nice Russian Man put the gun away.  
  
*Ocelot puts the gun away*  
  
Maurice: Ok last but not least making his second appearance on Pressing Issues is Barry Stark the 'naturalist.' who is once again behind the barrier so to not to offend anyone.  
  
Barry: Hi Maurice I'm still naked back here.  
  
Maurice: Yes yes Barry we all know that is why we installed that divider in there.  
  
Snake: What the hell does a naked guy have to do with gun safety?  
  
Maurice: Umm lots. Anyway I guess we will start today's exciting episode of Pressing Issues with you Ocelot. Obviously as your name and bad temper suggest you must be against these new tighter gun laws.  
  
Ocelot: Actually I'm against guns altogether.  
  
Snake and Maurice: WHAT!?  
  
Ocelot: In fact I've never actually shot anyone voluntarily ever.  
  
Snake: How about the President.  
  
Ocelot: Didn't you hear me my finger slipped.  
  
Snake: That guard on the boat.  
  
Ocelot: That was Liquid.  
  
Snake: The five people this morning on our way here.  
  
Ocelot: Also Liquid.  
  
Barry: Gun safety is good and I'm still naked.  
  
Maurice: Shut up Barry when it's your turn we will tell you ok. Remember how you were shot last time.  
  
Barry: Oh yeah but it healed nicely see.  
  
Maurice, Snake, and Ocelot: GET BACK BEHIND THE BARRIER.  
  
*Barry gets back behind the barrier*  
  
Maurice: Ok now we turn to you Snake. What do you think?  
  
Snake: Barry's a weird idiot.  
  
Maurice: No about gun safety.  
  
Snake: Oh yeah well I hate anything that has to do with gun safety. If guns were meant to be safe then they would have put these little switches on them that make them safe.  
  
Maurice: Uhh I believe the do in fact they call that switch a safety lock.  
  
Snake: Really!? *he takes out his gun and looks at it* Hmmm safety on the gun.IT MUST BE THE PATRIOTS.  
  
Ocelot: Oh god here we go again.  
  
Maurice: Who are the Patriots?  
  
Ocelot: Oh boy *covers his ears*.  
  
Snake: The Patriots are the evilest vilest people I've ever heard of in my life. They have put harder laws on cardboard boxes and actually made me wait to buy a gun. Now I have to wait a full 30 min to buy a damn gun. Stupid I.D. checks.  
  
Maurice: Really but that doesn't seem that bad.  
  
Snake: No Maurice it is bad. They.. *Turns head almost crying* ..they made me star in a game on the X-Box.  
  
Ocelot: NO..those bastards.  
  
Maurice: Ummm Snake I don't think we can make fun of a huge cooperation like Microsoft, and Ocelot this is a family show so you can't swear.  
  
Ocelot: Ummm what about the naked guy.  
  
Maurice: He's behind the barrier ok you can't see anything so it's fine.  
  
*Barry steps in front of the barrier*  
  
Barry: Not anymore..please Ocelot, Snake anyone I need another hug some human contact please.  
  
*Ocelot shoots Barry and everyone turns to look at Ocelot*  
  
Ocelot: Uhhhh bad Liquid bad. *He bites his arm*  
  
Maurice: Ummm ok once again Barry has been shot what else could happen.  
  
*There's a knock at the door Maurice goes to open it*  
  
Maurice: Hello!?  
  
Microsoft Man: Hello we have just been aware that you have been bad mouthing our system.  
  
Maurice: *interrupting* I'll be with you in just a second but first this commercial.  
  
**Commercial**  
  
Voice: Hello folks have you been feeling sad, lonely, and depressed. Well you need..A CARDBOARD BOX.  
  
*Stupid happy music starts playing*  
  
Voice: Yes head on down to your nearest cardboard box dealer today and pick up the new Orange X789 model. Remember for the best in cardboard boxes there is only one place you can go. Cardboard Box Land just a short right off of Outer Heaven.  
  
**Back to the Show**  
  
*Ocelot and Snake are carefully moving the now dead Microsoft man out of the door*  
  
Maurice: Quickly before we get back to the..oh shit we're back. Umm hello folks were we last left off Barry had been shot by Ocelot..  
  
*A body is heard being thrown out of the door*  
  
Ocelot: Wait a minute Snake did it  
  
Snake: Shut up Ivan  
  
Ocelot: No you shut up DAVID  
  
Snake: DON'T CALL ME DAVID  
  
Maurice: Gentlemen gentlemen calm down.  
  
*Snake and Ocelot keep grumbling but sit down anyway*  
  
Maurice: Ok good now the topic today was..  
  
*Barry stands up*  
  
Barry: Oh help me I was shot down there again please I need mouth to mouth and this time it's serious please..  
  
*Ocelot shoots him again and everyone looks at him again*  
  
Ocelot: *clears throat* Liquid if you do that one more time you will get no dessert I'm serious this time.  
  
Maurice: Right..now that we have gotten both views from Snake and Ocelot I guess that leaves only one more person Barry now it is your turn.  
  
Barry: *silence*  
  
Maurice: Well since our nudist friend is now filled with bullets I guess that is our show for today. I think we all have learned a little something about gun safety. Gentlemen I thank you for com....  
  
Snake: WAIT A MINUTE..SOMEONE HAS STOLEN MY CARDBOARD BOX.  
  
Maurice: Excuse me?  
  
Snake: I KNOW I PARKED I RIGHT OUT FRONT BUT WHEN I LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW IT WAS GONE.  
  
Maurice: Now calm down Mr. Snake maybe you just misplaced.  
  
Snake: NO IT WAS AN ACT OF THE PATRIOTS..YOU CHAVEZ YOU'RE A PATRIOT DIEEEEEEEEEEEE.  
  
*A few gunshots are heard*  
  
Ocelot: Wow he dropped fast..wanna go get a coffee?  
  
Snake: Yea sure.  
  
*They get up and leave the studio on the way out we here.*  
  
Snake: Oh that's right I brought my box in for a cleaning.  
  
*More random gunshots are heard*  
  
Ocelot: That's it Liquid no more staying up late for you anymore.  
  
*Back in the studio*  
  
Maurice: *on the ground bleeding* and..that.is all..for Pressing Issues tonight tune in tomorrow..when me and Barry will be in the hospital getting treated for multiple..gun wounds..thank you and good night. 


	2. Episode 2: Animal Obsessions

Maurice Chavez: Hi this is Maurice Chavez. Fresh from Vice City Hospital after surviving 5 gunshots to the back. And this is Pressing Issues. Anyway today's topic is a weird one. Our topic is 'Animal Obsession'. In other words what happens when we take our love for our pet's too far, and they turn into an obsession? As usual I have brought 3 guests onto the show to discuss this. Out first is the female assassin Irene..."  
  
*A dog comes out of nowhere and jumps on Maurice*  
  
Maurice (Screaming): Ahhhh...help me please what is going on?  
  
Sniper Wolf (Angry): Never use my real name ever. Call me Sniper Wolf.  
  
Maurice: Fine fine Sniper Wolf I got it please call off your wolf.  
  
*Sniper Wolf whistles and the wolf comes back*  
  
Maurice: Ok good. *He gets back onto his chair* Now our second guest is one of the most psychic not to mention anorexic people in the world. Ladies and Gentlemen I welcome..You know what screw the name. You just say your damn name so I'm not attacked again.  
  
Psycho Mantis (In his weird mask on voice): Greetings Maurice. I can read your mind.  
  
Maurice: Lovely...  
  
Mantis: Wait I can seriously watch. *He does that hand movement thing* you once were a clown and tried to get a sex change.  
  
Maurice: Wow that's...wait a minute I've told everyone before I NEVER TRIED TO GET A SEX CHANGE.  
  
Wolf (Laughing): Whatever you say Miss Chavez.  
  
Maurice: Enough I still have one more guest to announce.  
  
Wolf: Wait a minute Mantis why are you here?  
  
Mantis (Looking down): I like bunnies..and I don't know why.  
  
Wolf (Raises eyebrow): Right.  
  
Maurice: Can I continue..Thanks. Ok our third guess also out of the hospital is making his 3rd straight appearance on Pressing Issues. Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome back again Barry Stark.  
  
Barry: Hi Maurice guess what animal I'm obsessed with.  
  
Maurice, Wolf, and Mantis: WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW.  
  
Barry: I was gonna say dogs not my...  
  
Maurice (Interrupting quickly): Anyway moving right along. Ms. Wolf as I can see you seem to have a special bond with Wolves when did this start.  
  
Wolf: Well Maurice it all started when I was born. I was a small Kurdish child and I always...  
  
*She continues for 2 whole hours*  
  
Wolf: ...and that's when I got my first wolf.  
  
*She looks at Maurice and Mantis who have been staring down at her exposed cleavage since she began talking.*  
  
Wolf (Angry): Damn men.  
  
*She snaps her finger and three wolves come down from the ceiling and start attacking all of the guys*  
  
Mantis (Crying): The pain..make them stop owwwwwwwwww...hey that's not a chew toy.  
  
Maurice (Screaming): Owwww...ok ok we'll stop looking please get these wolves outta here.  
  
Barry (Happily): Ouch that's hurts you're a naughty doggy aren't you.  
  
*The whole room including the wolves look toward the divider*  
  
Wolf: ....ok I think I'll call them off...what is the problem with that nude guy anyway.  
  
*She snaps her fingers and the wolves all jump out of the window and into a waiting helicopter.*  
  
Maurice (relieved): Thank you...now Mantis earlier you were saying about bunnies?  
  
Mantis (looks down again): Yes Maurice..it's just there so cute and soft and furry...  
  
Barry: Guess what else is cute and sof..  
  
Maurice: OK Barry shut up right now I don't want to hear about it you got that amigo. If you even try to mention it again I will kick you off the show.  
  
Barry: I'm sorry Maurice..I'll try to be good I promise.  
  
Maurice: Ok Barry I understand you just stay there and we'll reach you soon I promise.  
  
Wolf (mumbling): They make such a cute couple.  
  
Maurice: What was that?  
  
Wolf (quickly): Nothing.  
  
Mantis: Hey Maurice I can read your mind perfectly..you don't think i'm a real psychic do you?  
  
Maurice: Actually I was just saying about the bunnies..  
  
Mantis (pretending like he didn't hear the word bunnies): Watch Maurice for I will now show you my true power.  
  
Wolf: Oh great not this again.  
  
Mantis: Put your controller on the floor nice and steady.  
  
Maurice: Controller?  
  
  
  
Mantis: Now watch as I move it with my mind.  
  
*He does those weird hand movements again.*  
  
Maurice: Ummm are you feeling ok..  
  
*Suddenly a PS2 controller flies through the window and hits Barry*  
  
Maurice: Huh well that was...uhhh convenient let's go to a commercial.  
  
*Commercial*  
  
Liquid Snake's Voice: Hello friends. I know what your thinking how does that sexy British terrorist kill all those people and still have great hair. The answer is Metal Gear Shampoo.  
  
*Weird break dancing music starts playing*  
  
Liquid's Voice: Yes with this new shampoo you will not only have great hair but a great and sometimes evil personality to go with it.  
  
Announcer: That's right Metal Gear Shampoo made by The Patriots  
  
*Back to the show*  
  
Maurice: Welcome back to Pressing Issues today's exciting show has..  
  
*The whole show blacks out and all that can be seen is a giant green HIDEO in the top right corner of the screen*  
  
Wolf: MANTIS STOP THIS RIGHT NOW  
  
*The show come back into view everything is back as it was except the fact that Barry is sitting is Wolf's lap*  
  
Wolf (screaming): GET OFF ME YOU SICK PERVERT.  
  
Barry: I'm sorry but this is the only way I can get any respect..  
  
*Two wolves dressed in suits walked in picked Barry up and brought him outside. Everyone in the studio can here Barry being attacked to death*  
  
Maurice (has been sitting in his chair speechless with his mouth hanging open): Ummm right....Listen Mantis the show is running out of time and we would really like to know what is it with you and bunnies.  
  
Mantis: Alright Maurice I'll tell you..(sighs) when I was 5 I was attacked by a giant bunny who took me to his magical kingdom. Ever since then I've been proclaimed King of the bunnies.  
  
Maurice: ....  
  
Wolf: ...  
  
Barry (outside): THE PAIN  
  
Mantis: WHAT???  
  
Maurice: Nothing listen that's all for today's show. I thank you Miss Wolf for taking care of our Barry problem and I thank you Mantis for being a goddamn psycho. Until next time everyone this was Maurice Chavez and thank you for watching and listening too Pressing Issues....are we off good. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN KING OF THE BUNNI...(Show really sings off) 


	3. Episode 3: The NBDBSVA

Maurice: Hello and welcome to yet another exciting episode of Pressing Issues. Our topic this episode is one that I think is really stupid but we will do anyway. The topic is more of a question, and that question is how do you deal with your own death. With me now our 3 extraordinary people who claimed to have once been killed but for some unknown reason remain here right now. Our first guest is one who some say has had a very screwed up life. Not only is he bisexual but he also was sleeping with one of his closest friends father. Oh..and he also sucks blood outta peoples necks but still that bisexual stuff is weird. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Vamp.  
  
Vamp: Greeting Maurice.  
  
Maurice: Welcome. Please tell us about yourself.  
  
Vamp: Well not only am I the five time break dancing champion at the National Break Dancing Bi-Sexual Vampires Association but I am also..  
  
Maurice: Wait there's an association for things like that?  
  
Vamp: Yea do you want in?  
  
Maurice: ummm No..Anyway our second guest is one that complains that not only does he fall asleep for no reason whatsoever, but he also complains about dropping dead for no reason whatsoever. Please welcome Solider #139.  
  
#139: Hello.  
  
Maurice: So 139 tell us something about yourself but not as disturbing as Vamp's association.  
  
#139: Well I usually just wander around a section of my house with a flashlight always pointing to the ground. Then sometimes I use a radio and say Nothing to Report in it all day long. Oh and I'm also a member of the N.B.D.B.S.V.A so don't make another comment about it.  
  
Maurice: Fine whatever..Our next guest is not only the founder of Metal Gear Shampoo but was also the only terrorist leader to ever receive the Sexist Terrorist Alive award . Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome Liquid Snake.  
  
The same break dancing song from the commercial starts playing.  
  
Maurice: The hell..!?  
  
Vamp: Oh he always needs entrance music. I mean last week we went to McDonalds and he wouldn't even order a Big Mac until the guy behind the desk would play this song over the loud speaker.  
  
Maurice: Huh that's..screwed up.  
  
Vamp: Yep.  
  
Some dry ice pours through the room and Liquid comes out doing some break dancing moves not seen since the 80's. Not being able to contain themselves anymore Vamp and 139 start joining him. Maurice just sits still shaking his head for a few minutes.  
  
Maurice: I think I'll go get a drink from the machine down the hall..you guys want anything?  
  
Liquid: Mr. Pib.  
  
139: Diet Coke.  
  
Vamp: A stage crew member.  
  
They stop dancing and turn to Vamp.  
  
Vamp..what?  
  
Maurice: Nothing listen we'll be right back after I get the drinks and remind myself why the hell I'm in this job anyway.  
  
*Commercial*  
  
Solid Snake: Hello dear friends If you remember the first time I was on Pressing Issues I make stupid remark about the X-Box. I just would like to take this time to say I'm sorry. The truth is we need the X-Box and the X- Box needs us so please everyone buy an X-Box today.  
  
Snake goes back to playing DOA: Extreme Beach Volleyball.  
  
Snake: Oh yes baby shake it for Solid Snake.  
  
Announcers Voice: Remember people to see fake made up girls in string bikinis for all you sad sad people to get off to there's only one system. X- BOX  
  
*Commercial*  
  
Maurice walks but into the studio with a Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pib, and Diet Coke only to see Vamp sucking on 139's neck.  
  
Maurice: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU VAMPIRIC IDIOT.  
  
139: It's ok I told him to just leave enough blood to let me drive home.  
  
Maurice: Ok then I guess it's ok. Now let's get to business. Vamp how exactly were you killed.  
  
Vamp: Uhhh I was shot in the head about 2 times.  
  
Maurice: All at once?  
  
Vamp: Nah it was kinda like over a period of time..come to think of it was that blonde boy.  
  
Liquid spits out his Mr. Pib.  
  
Liquid: No it wasn't me I was with Ocelot at the time..a little too with.  
  
Maurice: What do you mean a little too with.  
  
Liquid: Well for a while I was Ocelot right hand.  
  
Maurice, Vamp, 139: OH MY GOD YOU WERE ATTACHED TO AN 50 YEAR OLD MAN'S HAND.  
  
Liquid hangs his head in shame.  
  
Liquid: Yes.  
  
Vamp starts laughing.  
  
Liquid: Shut up..hey weren't you going to spend Valintines Day with Dolph Vamp?  
  
Vamp stops laughing.  
  
Vamp: My little Dolphy bear..  
  
Vamp starts crying.  
  
139's beeper starts going off.  
  
139: Huh..oh my god guys the meeting.  
  
Liquid: The N.B.D.B.S.V.A.  
  
Maurice: Oh sweet jesus.  
  
Vamp: We must leave now.  
  
Liquid: I parked my Metal Gear close to the entrance come on.  
  
Liquid, Vamp, and 139 all leave the studio.  
  
Maurice:..son of a bitch you know..I can't ever have a good show.  
  
Announcer's Voice: And that was today's episode of Pressing Issues we thank all of our guests and our new sponsors the N.B.D.B.S.V.A.  
  
Maurice can be heard screaming. 


	4. Episode 4: A Family Reuinion

Liquid: Hello and welcome to a very special Pressing Issues. Today Maurice has been given the day off and I was chosen to be today's host. Today instead of having a topic I've arranged for a little surprise. Today on Pressing Issues all of my brothers...and Raiden will be answering all of your questions. So without further adu please welcome my first brother Solidus Snake.  
  
Solidus tries to get through the door, but he has on his tentacles and can't fit through the doorway.  
  
Soildus: God damn doors...why didn't I buy that door attachment at radioshack...to hell with this.  
  
Solidus whips out his gun and makes a better more efficent door by taking out the whole wall of the studio.  
  
Soildus: There better.  
  
Liquid is laughing.  
  
Liquid: He was always the smart one. Next I'm happy to introduce you to the one and only Soild Snake.  
  
Snake walks into the studio with a package in his arms. He sits down and takes an X-Box and portable screen out of the package.  
  
Liquid: What are you playing.  
  
Snake: DOA: Extreme Beach Volleyball.  
  
Solidus and Liquid rush over to the screen.  
  
Solidus: Wait a minute didn't you rent this from Blockbuster.  
  
Snake: Yep about 2 weeks ago.  
  
Liquid: Isn't it overdue. I heard they send over some people to confiscate the game if it's gone too long  
  
Snake: Oh they try, and it's becoming a real pain to hide the bodies.  
  
Liquid, Solidus, and Snake all play the game for about an hour until they are inturrupted by the producer.  
  
Producer: Come on guys we got a show to do. Get the last guest out.  
  
Snake stops playing.  
  
Snake: Last guest...oh jesus...you don't mean.  
  
Liquid: I'm sorry brothers. Ladies and Gentlemen...Raiden.  
  
Solidus: Oh god.  
  
Raiden walks in and sits down.  
  
Snake: Urge to unleash pistol and start shooting rising.  
  
Raiden: Hey everyone.  
  
Liquid: Ok let's open up the phone lines and start taking some calls.  
  
Caller #1: Hello I have a question for all of them. I though you all hated each other and now your all sitting in the same room what's going on?  
  
Liquid: Oh we all don' t really hate each other Kojima just makes us fight. Especially when he gets drunk.  
  
Caller #1: Really?  
  
Solidus: Yeah in fact one time at one of his keg parties he got so drunk that he wrote up a script where we all wrestle in a giant pool of Sprite. Luckly, he passed out before it got to Konami.  
  
Snake: Thank you dear god for that. So you see caller all of our fine with each other...except Raiden we all hate his guts.  
  
Liquid and Solidus both agree.  
  
Raiden: Yeah I hate Raiden to.  
  
They all look at him.  
  
Snake: Moron.  
  
Liquid: Ok next caller.  
  
Caller 2: Hello I have a question for Snake. Man, what is it with you and cardboard boxes.  
  
Snake: Once again Kojima was drunk.  
  
Caller 2: Oh ok then bye.  
  
Raiden: I like bunnies.  
  
Solidus: What the hell is wrong with him.  
  
Snake laughs.  
  
Snake: I put massive amounts of Patazimine in his breakfest this morning.  
  
Solidus: Oh wait a minute so did I.  
  
Liquid: Yeah me too...  
  
They all look at each other and start laughing.  
  
Liquid: We'll be rigth back after these messages.  
  
**Commercial**  
  
Psycho Mantis: Hello friends. I can read your mind, and now for only $3.95 per second I can now read your future.  
  
That weird music from when your were near the director's room in MGS starts playing.  
  
Mantis: Yes dear friends with Psycho Mantis and Friends Psychic Connection you will get to know your future. Call now and I might even make your controller move across your living room floor. So call now the number is 1- 800-MANTISISTHEGODOFUALL. Remember I can read your minds.  
  
Annoucer: Mantis and Friends is not responsible for taking over of mind when using his service.  
  
**Commercial**  
  
Solidus, Liquid, and Snake have made Raiden belive he has a tail and have been making him chase it for several hours.  
  
Solidus: Ok the first 5 minutes it was funny...then it was sad...now it's funny again.  
  
Liquid: Yea...oh yeah I forgot we got another caller.  
  
Caller 3: Hey Solidus did you like copy Dr. Octopus or something  
  
Laughing from Caller 3 can be heard. Solidus however is really pissed off.  
  
Solidus: Trace the call now.  
  
Snake: It's coming from...inside the studio!?  
  
Solidus: The hell.  
  
Liquid: What is this?  
  
Caller 3: Mwahahahahaha you don't know who I am do you...I'm very close by.  
  
Snake: Ok enough who is this.  
  
Caller 3: You'll know soon enough...  
  
A voice in the background where Caller 3 is: Maurice what the hell are you doing in Lazlow's studio man he's gonna kick your ass when he sees you've been using his phone.  
  
Caller 3: SHIT  
  
He hangs up.  
  
Snake and Liquid both look to Solidus and nod. Solidus stands up and leaves the studio.  
  
Liquid: Anyway while Solidus goes and beats the living hell outta Maurice. Let's answer another call.  
  
Caller 4: Hi yes I was wondering if you could tell me if you ever enjoyed being naked togather.  
  
Liquid: WHAT.  
  
Snake: BARRY IS THAT YOU YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH.  
  
Raiden: I LIKE BANANA PUDDING.  
  
Caller 4 (Barry): Yes it's me dear people and I just want to say nudity is how you should live your life...  
  
Liquid interupts and takes out his radio.  
  
Liquid: Vamp is your Harrier still working...good go blow up Barry...yes we traced the call...uh huh it's 1739 Nudist Road.  
  
Solidus walks back into the room.  
  
Snake: Well is he dead.  
  
Solidus: I think...after the third time I sliced him he stopped moving...then the foruth time he started twitching.  
  
Liquid: Ok good.  
  
Raiden: I said my ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling, I like to play with my...  
  
Snake whips outs his Socom and reapeatedly shoots Raiden.  
  
Liquid: Ok now that Raiden is down is a bloody mess I think it is time to end the show. Thank you all of our callers.  
  
Solidus: Sould we call maintence to clean him up.  
  
Snake: Nah...let's play more Extreme Beach Volleyball.  
  
Solidus and Liquid: OK  
  
Announcer: And that was this episode of Pressing Issues join us next tiem when Maurice will remind us that prank calling is bad. 


	5. Episode 5: Violence

Maurice: Hello dear people and welcome to another episode of the smash hit Pressing Issues. I of course am your host Maurice Chavez. Todays topic is one that I find very important. Violence is something that as a people we must all deal with. You can see it in movies, T.V., video games it seems endless. The question is how can we stop it.  
  
Still Maurice: Now before I announce my guests for today. I have a little annoucment to make. Due to his remodeling of my studio last time, not to mention almost killing me, Solidus Snake has been banned from Pressing Issues. The real question is who gives a rats ass. Not me that's for sure. Ok our first guest today is one that every American should know. It is a real honor to have him here and he should help in today's topic. Ladies and Gentlemen former president George Sears.  
  
Sears walks into the studio and takes a seat.  
  
Maruice: Hello Mr. Presi...oh dear what happened to your eye. You never used to wear a patch.  
  
Sears: Ummm yea well that was a problem I had while programming my VCR.  
  
Maurice: Ah I see ok. For a minute there I thought you looked a little like Solidus Snake.  
  
Sears: Heh heh don't' be crazy why would I want to be that psycho.  
  
Maurice: Yeah that guy is nothing but a useless pain in the ass. I don't know why I even wanted him on my show.  
  
Sear (explodes with anger): YOU INSOLENT FOOL YOU WIL...I mean yea of course your right Chavez maybe you should introduce our second.  
  
Maruice:...uhh yea sure Mr. President. Our next guest is one who says he has a plan. A plan to end Violence everywhere. Ladies and gentlemen please give a warm welcome to Fatman.  
  
Fatman attempts to walk in but can't fit through the doorframe. After a few tries he pushes thorugh and takes the doorframe with him.  
  
Fatman: Umm sorry about that happens all the time.  
  
Maurice: Don't worry about it we can order another one (quietly) fat tube of lard.  
  
Fatman: What was that?  
  
Maurice: Er...nothing. Anyway our last guest is one whom I'am sure you all have come to love. Ladies and Gentlemen out final guest makign his unpresidented fourth apperance on this show everyone please welcome naturalist Barry Stark. Once again he will be joining us from behind a barrier protecting us from the horror that is his naked body.  
  
Barry: Hello Maurice and everyone I'm still naked back here as usual.  
  
Maurice: Yes yes we all know that Barry. So everyone as usual let me explain the rules.  
  
Sears: Rules...there wasn't any blasted rules the last time I was o...I mean rules yay.  
  
Maurice is beginning to get a feeling about Sears.  
  
Maurice: Ok here on Pressing Issues there we only have one real rule. That rule is...ANYONE NAKED MUST STAY BEHIND THE BARRIER...got that Stark.  
  
Barry: Yea yea but as a deal I get to go first. I want my answers the be heard.  
  
Maurice: Fine. Ok then Barry how would you end this seemingly infinte supply of violence we has a people have been getting.  
  
Barry: Well simple...If everyone was naked noone would want to hurt one another.  
  
Sears: My god...that's sick.  
  
Barry: Yes ex-president in your tiny mind it would be sick. In fact Sears wasn't it you who tried to ban nudism around the country.  
  
Sears: Yes...yes it was, and thanks to that I won a second term.  
  
Barry: Because you don't understand what it feels like to have a crisp cool air blowing and you standing there wearing nothing but what you were born with.  
  
Fatman: I know how it feels.  
  
Everyone turns towards Fatman.  
  
Sears: Wow...that vision will haunt me in my sleep forever.  
  
Maurice: Indeed...now Barry please tell me how being naked would help us solve this everlasting problem of violence.  
  
Barry: Well think about it Maurice. If your naked do you think anyone would want to hit you or even lay a hand on you of course not. Plus if your naked you would never even want to fire a gun because you would worry about the potential damage it could do to some parts of your body.  
  
Fatman: Amen brother.  
  
Maurice: Ok Fatman I think we all agree if you stop talking about you being nude.  
  
Sears nods.  
  
Barry: Why Maurice does it offened you? Who cares that what we fight for people accepting nudity. In fact Fatman why don't you join me come behind this dividor and see what it feels like to be seperated from these so called nomral people.  
  
After thinking it over for a few seconds. Fatman stands up and starts moving towards the divider while taking off his pants.  
  
Sears: This will remain in my mind the most fearful thing in my life. (To the readers) Mind you I've seen Raiden naked this is so much worse.  
  
Maurice: God help me...anyway ex-president Sears what are your views on violence?  
  
Sears: Well that's a good question Chavez. I belive we should encourage violence.  
  
Maurice: Encourage?!  
  
Sears: Yes Chavez now stop interrupting. We need violence to stop the patriots. In fact if everyone looks to the person on their right and takes out a big knife and starts reapetedly stabbing them to death. Well, we could have the Patriots beaten in a matter of minutes.  
  
Maurice: Umm you know something all this talk about the Patriots is making me sort of suppcious you aren't Solidus are you?  
  
Sears (nervously): Of course not don't be...rid....  
  
Sears stops because behind the barrier Fatman and Barry have been doing jumping jacks.  
  
Maurice: Oh dear christ...ALRIGHT YOU TWO STOP IT RIGHT NOW.  
  
Barry: I'm sorry Maurice we have to excersize you know.  
  
Fatman: Excersize...what is that?  
  
Barry: Nevermind. Just jump.  
  
Sears: IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS SACRED MAKE THEM STOP.  
  
Maurice: Umm...Fatman how would you solve violence?  
  
Fatman stops jumping as he thinks of the question.  
  
Sears: Thank you god sweet sweet god.  
  
Fatman: Well Maurice I would build a giant clock.  
  
Maurice: A giant clock!?  
  
Fatman: Yes a giant clock. One which will never stop. The whole world would be soothed by the ticking...  
  
Maurice: Or they would more then likely go crazy and start killing one another.  
  
Fatman: Hey I never said it was perfect.  
  
Maurice: And that should teach us all a lesson. I think it's time for a break after we will start taking your calls. Please stayed tuned.  
  
**Commercial**  
  
Announcer: This summer only on The All Stupidity Channel. Six People...All by themselves...Stranded...in Arsenal's Colon!!!  
  
Announcer: Who will survive...who will die...who will win...only you can decide...well not really I mean comon this thing is rigged.  
  
Announcer: Only on the ASC Channel Stranded: Arsenal's Colon.  
  
**Commercial**  
  
Maurice: Welcome back to Pressing Issues. Today we are talking about Violence with our guests, Fatman, Geroge Sears, and of course the very naked Barry Stark. Now we are taking call from you the viewer.  
  
Caller #1: Hey Maurice love the show. I have a quesition for Barry: What if you like killing and your naked?  
  
Barry: Hmm why do you ask?  
  
Caller #1: Umm because I have this uhhh friend who enjoys killing people especially when he is naked.  
  
Maurice: Oh boy.  
  
Sears: Psycho.  
  
Barry: Now now you two. Caller I think that as long as your friend is naked anything he does is ok. Besides what cop would touch you.  
  
Caller #1: Hey thanks Barry. Hey Maurice can I get tickets to your show.  
  
The Call is disconnected.  
  
Maurice: Phew that was close. Ok now or second caller.  
  
Caller #2 (Solid Snake): Hey Solidus man our karioke party is going on right now. (Liquid can be heard in the background singing a very unique version of 'I'm Too Sexy') Where are you you said you would bring a keg.  
  
Maurice: There is no Solidus here bye amigo.  
  
Another hang up.  
  
Sears: Umm Maurice I have to go do some presidential things. Umm it's an emergency.  
  
Sears goes dashing out of the building.  
  
Maurice: Uhh right well I guess that's our show for now. Be with us next week here on Pressing Issues where EVRYONE will be clothed. Bye. 


	6. Episode 6: Mormons

Maurice: Hello again and welcome to Pressing Issues. I hope you all are doing well. Now for today's topic I know day to day when you go to work and to school that you have to deal with some of the most annoying people this side of Outer Heaven. On this show today we have people who deal with people they would rather not. My guests today are Snake and it says here his bestest buddy Raiden.  
  
Raiden: Yep me and my bestest buddy.  
  
Snake: Don't you ever say that again.  
  
Maurice: Welcome to the show gentlemen. Now first I gotta ask Snake why do you hate Raiden so much.  
  
Snake: Are you kidding look at him his hair, his smile, that fact that he should have been a woman.  
  
Raiden: Snake is just kidding we have been the bestest of buddies for a while now.  
  
Maurice: Really!? Why do you say that Raiden?  
  
Raiden: Well back when we were on this really important mission thingy he gave me cover fire, and then we fought together.  
  
Snake: All that time the urge to shoot him was overwhelming.  
  
Maurice: Well obviously Snake you seem to really hate Raiden. So why do you even deal with him.  
  
Snake: He follows me everywhere. He's like a lost little dog.  
  
Raiden: ARF ARF.  
  
Maurice and Snake stare at Raiden.  
  
Snake: Maurice clearly we have reached the part of the show were only destructive and totally random shooting will suffice.  
  
Snake takes out his USP.  
  
Snake: And as the owner of a gun I volunteer to start.  
  
Maurice: Ummm no that's really ok Mr. Snake please just put the gun away.  
  
Snake shrugs and puts the gun away.  
  
Snake: Fine take all the fun outta my life why don't you.  
  
Raiden: I think teddy bears are fun.  
  
Snake is shaking with rage.  
  
Snake: Please Maurice just one bullet.  
  
Maurice: NO do you know how much this carpet costs to clean?  
  
Snake: Well a carpet this size.........i'd say about $156.98.  
  
Maurice: How did you know that?  
  
Snake: Well sometimes these Mormons come to my house and.........well it becomes a mess.  
  
Maurice: I see.........  
  
Raiden: I once had an invisible friend named Mormon.  
  
Snake: MARUICE THERE'S A GIRAFFE OUTSIDE OF THE STUDIO.  
  
Maruice: Really!?  
  
Maurice runs over to the window. Raiden also turns his back on Snake to watch.  
  
Snake: EAT HOT LEAD MOTHER FUGGER.  
  
Snake unloads 10 to 20 clips into Raiden's back.  
  
Snake: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh much better.  
  
Maurice: Huh!?  
  
Maurice turns around.  
  
Maurice: Well.........shit time to call the carpet cleaners again. Why don't you people enjoy this commercial.  
  
**Commercial**  
  
Announer: Think you've seen all of Ocelot.........THINK AGAIN.  
  
Russian Porno Music Starts Playing (If you know what it sounds ike you have way too much free time)  
  
Announcer: Presenting Ocelot Gone Wild all the hot Ocelot action that you want.........  
  
**Commerical Cut Off**  
  
Maurice: NO NO FREAKING WAY AM I PLAYING THAT COMMERCIAL.........  
  
Snake: Thank you god.  
  
Maurice: Great what the hell are we supposed to do in the meantime. You've killed the other guest.  
  
Snake: Hmmm.........wanna go get a beer?  
  
Maurice: Yea ok.  
  
They stand up and start walking out Maurice steps over Raiden's body. Snake gives the body one more kick to the head.  
  
Snake: Hehehehe  
  
**Meanwhile**  
  
In a location unknown to anyone. (In reality the Denny's down the street) An evil organazation plots over a grand slam breakfest.  
  
????: So what do we do about Maruice  
  
Another ????: We could kill him.  
  
Yet another ????: Nah.  
  
????: How bout we kidnap him and make him watch Fatman doing jumping jacks naked.  
  
Another ????: No we must think of the vilest wrongest thing to do to him. We must think becuase we are the NBDBSVA.  
  
Yet another ????: Ummm did you order the bacon or is that mine.  
  
DUH DUH DUHHHHHHHH Ohh look it's a dramatic ending. 


	7. Episode 7: Nudity

(This episode is for Vikki thanks for the help)  
  
Maurice: Forget about it there is no way I'm doing this topic.  
  
Producer: Listen Maurice you don't really have a choice, ether you do this topic or we will replace you for today's show I'm serious.  
  
Maurice: Fine go rigth ahead Mr. Big Shot Producing Asshole let's see what you can come up with.  
  
Maurice stands up and leaves the studio.  
  
Producer: ...well shit. That's didn't go well at all...Hey I got an idea...  
  
The show restarts with a new host...BARRY STARK  
  
Barry: Hello all you lovely people. As you know this is me Barry Stark and on today's show we will be talking about nudity...finally. With me I have a few guests who are also nude and for the first time not behind a barrier.  
  
Cameraman (From Off-Screen): Dear god please end my life.  
  
Barry: AHEM...anyway our first guest is one whom is a larger then life naturalist. Ladies and Gentlemen please welcome Fatman.  
  
A nude Fatman walks through the door. Off-screen a gunshot is heard.  
  
Producer: Umm we're gonna need a new cameraman here...preferably not suicidal...or armed.  
  
A new cameraman is brought onto the set.  
  
Barry: Right...anyway Fatman welcome to the show. Our next guest is author of the book 'The Nude Marine.' Everyone please welcome Scott Dolph.  
  
Scott Dolph walks onto the set.  
  
Vamp (At his house watching the show): HELL YEAH DOLPHY ALL FOR VAMP.  
  
Barry: Our final guest is a self procalimed philanthropist. Ladies and Gentlemen Otacon.  
  
Snake (Also at home spits out the beer he was drinking): There...is no...god.  
  
Barry: Ok gentlemen welcome. Now my first question is how; does it feel to be nude?  
  
Otacon and Dolph: Great.  
  
Fatman: Sweaty.  
  
Another gunshot is heard.  
  
Producer: Damn that's two cameramen in one day. Next.  
  
Barry: So Fatman when did you discover the great world of nudism.  
  
Fatman: Well it all began about when I was 12...  
  
An hour and five more dead cameramen later.  
  
Fatman: And that's when I first went nude...  
  
Barry: I'm sorry Fatman but the producer told me we're out of expandable cameramen so we are gonna have to move on. Dolph why don't you tell us your tale of discovery.  
  
Dolph: Well I was just walking around my daughter's house when Vamp had just stepped out of the shower...  
  
Fatman: Um Dolph no the story of when you and 'Vamp" met. He means when you first went nude.  
  
Dolph: Oh...I just like taking my clothes off I don't know what to say.  
  
Otacon: Is it my turn yet?  
  
Barry: Fine Otacon go right ahead.  
  
Otacon: Well my life is so screwed up at this point I thought what the hell I'll just be a nudist.  
  
Barry: What exactly happened to you to screw up your life.  
  
Otacon: Well I did sleep with my mother...  
  
Barry: OK that is enough information.  
  
Otacon: Wait I meant my stepmother...  
  
Fatman laughs.  
  
Dolph: Sure you did buddy.  
  
Barry: Wow and I thought I was messed up. Anyway now that we know why you chosee to be nude tell us how does it feel.  
  
Dolph: Relaxing.  
  
Otacon: Weird.  
  
Fatman: Hungry.  
  
Barry: Hungry!?  
  
Dolph (whispering to Barry): Umm Barry he is extrodinarily fat...if you haven't noticed.  
  
Barry: Oh anyway we'll take a break and then open up the phone lines.  
  
**During the Commercial**  
  
Producer: Ok we got to stop this we're losing viewers.  
  
Director: Hey don't look at me I said not to bring a naked fat guy on the show.  
  
Producer (Sighs): Damn...ok guess I'll go apologize to Maurice.  
  
The producer walks to Maurice's dressing room and knocks on the door.  
  
Producer: Maurice...you can be the host again. (Silence)...we'll let you kill Barry(Even More Silence)...we'll let you kill Fatman. (Suddenly...silence) Damn what the hell.  
  
He walks into the room. He stops in a bit of schok because the whole room has been torn apart. He sees a note in the corner. On it is wrote: THE BREAK DANCERS WILL RISE AGAIN!!!  
  
Producer (Snake Style): ... what the hell?  
  
**After Commercial Break**  
  
Barry: Ok boys lets take a few of those calls.  
  
Caller #1: Hi Barry I was just wondering...WHAT THE FUGGING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU I MEAN DAMN AND FATMAN WILL YOU PUT SOME CLOTHES ON I MEAN GOD DAMN YOUR SCARING THE LITTLE CHILDREN IN THE AREA.  
  
Fatman (Gulps): Solidus???  
  
Caller #1 (Solidus): YA DAMN RIGHT IT'S SOLIDUS NOW PLEASE PUT SOME CLOTHES ON. BYE...PEACE TO ALL MY HOMIES.  
  
Barry: Well that was rude...and did he seriously just say peace to all my homies.  
  
Otacon: That was just wrong homes.  
  
Dolph: True dat.  
  
Barry justs stares at the two.  
  
Dolph: WHAT?  
  
Barry: Nothing...  
  
Otacon: You know what I think I just wanna wears clothes again.  
  
Dolph: Yea and probaly get some from your mom again.  
  
Everyone except Otacon laughs.  
  
Otacon: IT WAS MY STEPMOM I'M OUTTA HERE I WANT MY CLOTHES AGAIN.  
  
Fatman: Maybe the mother lover is right its startign to feel drafty in here.  
  
Dolph: Yea let's get outta here I wanna spend some time with my Vampy.  
  
They all get dressed and leave the studio.  
  
Barry: GOD DAMMIT.  
  
He takes out a cell phone.  
  
Barry: Hello...you got him good...no they have clothes on now...yes I can't wait to see the newspapers tommrow either...ok good-bye...Mr. President...errr I mean Liquid.  
  
IS BARRY PART OF THE PLOT?  
  
WILL LIQUID BE IN THE NEXT EPISODE? WILL OCELOT MAKE ANOTHER TOPLESS VIDEO? WILL I EVER ACTUALLY MAKE A GOOD FANFIC?  
  
THE ANSWERS WILL BE FIGURED OUT...RIGHT NOW...YES,YES,NO,NO 


	8. Episode 8: Tanker Again

Snake is sitting in a dark room completley stripped of all of his clothes. Around him sits the director, producer, and of course a cameraman.  
  
Snake: Uhhh...why am I here...and why the hell am I naked?  
  
Producer: You're here to help us Snake...and why is he naked Director?  
  
Director (In a very uhh suggestive voice): Because that's what Daddy likes!!!  
  
Snake: Right...get me my damn clothes right now.  
  
Once again...same room,same people, only this time Snake is fully clothed.  
  
Director: Awww I never get to have any fun.  
  
Producer: Whatever...ok Snake here's the deal Maruice was kidnapped...  
  
Snake: OH HELL YEA (He begins doing a very errr creative victory dance)  
  
Producer: AHEM  
  
Snake: Ohhh I mean how sad, and what do you want me to do about it?  
  
Director: Save him.  
  
Snake: How bought we dance on his grave?  
  
About an hour later Snake finds himself once again on a Tanker.  
  
Snake: I am so gonna shoot them all.  
  
After making his usual landing a camerman drops down rigth next to him.  
  
Snake: Uhhhhh  
  
Cameraman: Oh yeah the studio forgot to tell you Snake. They decided to bring me along so we can make a show out of this. We feel things could get interesting.  
  
Snake: Why would things get interesting.  
  
Suddenly Raiden gracefully drops down...right on Snake.  
  
Raiden: Hello all of you TV peoples...ummm where's Snake?  
  
Snake: Spine...snapped in...two.  
  
Cameraman: Ummm your standing right on top of him.  
  
Snake: Spleen...surrendering...like the Iraqi soliders.  
  
Raiden gets off of Snake.  
  
Raiden: Sorry buddy.  
  
Snake: Must use...last bit of life...to shoot Raiden...through head.  
  
Snake takes out his gun, aims at Raiden and fires...but hits the cameraman instead. After the camerman hits the floor Snake stands up.  
  
Snake: Wow...it's amazing how shooting someone you want to see dead does for your health.  
  
Just then another Camerman drops down from a helicopter.  
  
Snake: The hell!?  
  
Cameraman: It's no use Snake you shoot one of us and we are instantly replaced with another. You can't kill us all.  
  
Snake: Oh yea...  
  
An hour and many dead cameramen later Snake gives up.  
  
Snake: Fine fine you win.  
  
Snake looks around the tanker.  
  
Snake: How are we supposed to find Maurice. This thign is huge.  
  
A guard on patrol comes down the stairs.  
  
Raiden: I know we can ask that niec man over there. (To Guard) HEY BUDDY WE ARE LOOKING FOR OUR FRIEND MAURICE HAVE YOU SEEN HIM.  
  
The guard raises his gun towards them.  
  
Gurad: INTRUDERS!!!!  
  
Snake (To Raiden): I will laugh fro a year straight after I kill you.  
  
The guard looks at the camerman:  
  
Guard: Oh my god...am I on TV?  
  
Snake: Uhh yea.  
  
Guard: Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. I can't belive this. HI MOM!!!!  
  
Snake sneaks up behind the guard and kills him.  
  
Snake: Well...that was convient.  
  
Raiden: You know what is convient...duct tape.  
  
Snake: ...I hate you so damn much.  
  
Cameraman: Ummm are we actually going to be saving Maurice. I mean viewers are gonn get really bored of this really fast.  
  
Snake: Yea yea keep your skirt on.  
  
They all go into a side door on the tanker. When they get inside they spot two guard talking.  
  
Guard 1: Hey are those the guys?  
  
Guard 2: Yea I think...  
  
Guard 1: You know what to do right?  
  
Guard 2: Yep.  
  
Guard 1 (In an unsually loud voice): YES WE HAVE SECURED MAURICE IN THE HOLDS.  
  
Guard 2: GOOD MAKE SURE THE SECRET DOOR BY THE VENDING MACHINE IS NOT FOUND.  
  
Guard 1: YES SIR.  
  
Snake, Raiden, Cameraman:...  
  
Raiden: I think Maurice in is the holds.  
  
Snake smacks Raiden in the back of the head.  
  
Snake: Let's go...moron.  
  
They walk away.  
  
Guard 1: Why the hell did we do that?  
  
Guard 2: Liquid may be the sexist british type evil guy in the world plus have great hair to boot, but he really rreeeeaaaallllllyyyy sucks at being a terrorist.  
  
After many dead guards and cameramen they finally reach the hold...thorough the secret door...and umm by the vending machines...yea.  
  
Raiden: 76 bottles of beer on the wall 76 bottles of beer. You take one down and pass it around...  
  
Snake: Must...not...kill Raiden...must use...as human shield.  
  
They finally reach a large room where they see Maurice sitting bound in a chair. Right in front of him is a TV...  
  
Snake: ...oh dear christ.  
  
Cameraman: What?  
  
Snake: On that TV is...is Ocelot Gone Wild.  
  
Cameraman: Oh jesus...oh my gentle gentle jesus.  
  
Raiden: Actually is wasn't really that bad.  
  
They all look at Raiden.  
  
Snake: Anyway...let's just go save the idiot  
  
They all get down to where Maurice is. Snake takes out the gag they put in him.  
  
Maurice: IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS SACRED WILL SOMEONE SHUT THIS FUGGING TV OFF.  
  
Snake turns off the TV and gets Maurice out of the chair.  
  
Maurice: Thanks.  
  
Suddenly the tanker starts shaking.  
  
Snake: The hell.  
  
A large Metal Gear appears. Out of it is playing loud and very scray break dancing music.  
  
Snake: Uh oh.  
  
Liquid Snake's voice coem pouring out of the loud speaker.  
  
Liquid: Snake how dare you mock the NBDBSVA you and everyone else will die.  
  
Snake: Take Raiden he's stupid and noone likes him...Uhhh where is that idiot?  
  
They see Raiden sitting on the chair where Maurice is watching Ocelot Gone Wild.  
  
Snake: Right...well I think we should run.  
  
Cameraman: WAIT!!!!  
  
Snake: What!?  
  
Cameraman: Commercial time. We need one for the show you know.  
  
Snake: What the fuc...  
  
**Commercial**  
  
And Now A Public Service Announcement with President George Sears  
  
Sears: Good Day. As you may have see in past episodes there has been a huge onslaught of violence. I would just like to remind you that violence is wrong and should never be used.  
  
Guy off camera: Ummm Solidus what about when you attacked Maurice that one time.  
  
Sears: Ummm...EAT STEEL JERK ASS  
  
He begins chasing the guy with his sword.  
  
**Commercial**  
  
As we rejoin our heros. Snake is beating the living hell outta the cameraman. Maurice is doing...something, and Raiden is watching Ocelot Gone Wild.  
  
Liquid: AHEM giant breakdancing metal robot of death that wants to kill you here do you think we could get on with it.  
  
Snake: Yea sure.  
  
The Metal Gear begins doing some breakdancing moves pretty much destroying everything in its path. Sanke and crew run for dear life...except someone's missing.  
  
Maurice: Umm where's Raiden?  
  
Raiden is still sitting in his chair watching Ocelot Gone Wild. Suddenly one of Metal Gear's feet smashes him and the TV.  
  
Snake: It's funny because I wanted it to happen then it happened.  
  
Snake runs down and pick up Raiden's body.  
  
Snake: Now let's get outta here.  
  
They all run onto the deck to where there is a waiting helicopter. All of them jump on just as the Metal Gear rips the tanker apart and sinks.  
  
Snake: Phew...that was close.  
  
Cameraman: Umm Snake Maurice was still on the deck...  
  
Snake: ...oh well it wasn't a total loss...hey Raiden was hurt right? 


	9. Episode 9: Snake Eater

Maruice: Hello all you wonderful wonderful people and welcome once again to another episode of Pressing Issues. Yes I know it's been a while. As you all should know by now my name is Maurice Chavez. Today's topic as all others is a very very special topic. As you all know the next Metal Gear Solid game has finally been announced. So as a treat with me today is two guests to talk about the games. (He sighs)...and one guest to make my life miserable. Well let's get right to it and introduce my first guest. He is not only the greatest man who has ever lived but also the new god of you all from this moment on. Ladies and gentlemen the great Hideo Kojima.  
  
Hideo: Thanks for having me on the show Maurice. (Note: Yes I know he only speaks Japanese.........but I'm very lazy so now he speaks English)  
  
Maurice: Indeed ok now our second guest is one who you all should of grown very familiar with. Let me introduce Solid Snake.  
  
Snake is to busy reading the newest Harry Potter book to notice his introduction.  
  
Snake: Ha that Harry when will he ever learn.........  
  
Maurice: Ummm Snake we are on the air.  
  
Snake quickly throws the book out of the window and sits down all badass like.  
  
Snake: Uhh yea of course.........just move on to teh next goddamn guest will ya.  
  
Maurice: Ummm ok.........(he speaks quickly) and our last guest is Barry Stark now let's start off wi.........  
  
Barry: NOT SO FAST CHAVEZ.........  
  
Maurice: Son of a bitch I thought that would work.........  
  
Barry: You will never silence the nudists we are one with the world.  
  
Maurice: No your not your just a sick freak and a sadisit nudity is evil end of story.........now Mr. Kojima please tell us what have you been working on besides this Snake Eater game.  
  
Kojima: Well I do have this really cool game coming out soon you see it works off of sunlight kinda like how a flower reacts to sunlight by growing longer.........  
  
Snake take out a gun and points it at Barry.  
  
Snake: One word and I shoot it off I swear to god..........  
  
Maurice: Why thank you Snake.  
  
Barry:.........dammit  
  
Snake shoots Barry which causes everyone to look at Snake.  
  
Snake: Well I never said which word did I........today it happened to be dammit tomorrow it could be roast beef..........so beware.  
  
Barry (Horrified): Oh no now there will be no little Barrys  
  
Snake and Kojima: Thank you god.  
  
Maurice clears his throat.  
  
Maurice: Ok now let's stay on topic shall we.........  
  
Barry: Wait I think I may need a doctor it's bleeding pretty bad.  
  
Maurice: Well your not getting one.........  
  
Barry: Why not.........  
  
Maurice: Because I hate you Stark you and your nude ways.........  
  
Snake: Can we get on with this I want to finish the book..........errr I mean I gotta kill some terrorists.  
  
Hideo: Pansy.  
  
Snake glares at Kojima.  
  
Maurice: Ok break it up you two. Now Mr. Kojima could you please tell us some of the things we may be expecting in this game.  
  
Hideo: Oh I am very sorry Maurice but I like to keep my games a surprise the same way I did with Raiden.........  
  
Snake immediately stands up and punches Hideo knocking him out of the chair.  
  
Maurice: SNAKE!!!!!.........what is the hell are you doing man?  
  
Snake: It was him Raiden.........that blonde moron all because of him.  
  
Hideo shakes his head and sits back down.  
  
Hideo: It's ok Maurice that happens a lot.........  
  
Maurice: Really!?  
  
Hideo: Yea many times a day.........I get hit by Snake fans, Raiden haters, even my own wife.  
  
Maurice: But why?  
  
Hideo (On the verge of tears): It's all because that one day.........I was working on Metal Gear Solid 2 and then it happened.  
  
Maurice: What happened?  
  
Hideo (Starts crying): A Backstreet Boys music video came on.........a........and.........the rest is history.  
  
Snake: So that's how Raiden was created.........  
  
Hideo (Calming down): Yes.........yes that's how it was done.  
  
Maurice: .........OK I'M SO LOST RIGHT NOW CAN WE JUST STICK TO THE DAMN TOPIC YOU LUNATICS.  
  
Barry: You know what a better topic is.........  
  
Maurice unable to hold his anger about his show constantly going off topic leaps across the table and starts beating the living hell outta Barry.  
  
Hideo: Hmmmm now if only we had a huge vat of Sprite.  
  
Snake: GOD DAMMIT KOJIMA THERE WILL BE NO SPRITE WRESTLING.  
  
Hideo: Awwww.........  
  
Producer: Ummm I think it's time for a commercial.........  
  
**Commercial**.  
  
Announcer: Think Ocelot Gone Wild is wild enough wait until we put.........Liquid Snake behind the camera. That's right order Ocelot Gone Wild: Liquid Style.  
  
***Very Scary Break dancing/Russian Porn Music***  
  
Announcer: See not only the hot topless Russian action but also the hot topless British break dancing action. Buy today and get your own inflatable Revolver Ocelot doll. To order call: 1-800-YOU-NEED-HELP-IF-YOU-ACTAULLY- THINK-THIS-IS-REAL  
  
**Commercial**  
  
Back at the studio Maurice is sitting back down looking very pleased with himself. Barry is black and blue is places men weren't meant to be black and blue. Snake is back reading Harry Potter. And Hideo is talking on his cell phone.  
  
Hideo: Yea just have the Sprite ready when I get home...ok...ok...bye.  
  
Snake (still reading): You have problems you know that Kojima.  
  
Maurice: Snake we're on again...  
  
Snake about to throw the book out the window again but instead throws it at Barry.  
  
Hideo: ...Uhhhhh is he supposed to be not talking...or moving...or breathing.  
  
Maurice: No one cares that's the thing about Barry. Now getting back on topic...Mr.Kojima with us now we have a few screenshots of this remarkable game. Maybe you and Snake could tell us what's going on in these shots.  
  
A screen comes down the first shot that appears shows Snake landing into the forest.  
  
Hideo: Well obviously this is Snake diving into the jungle. See the detail in the trees my team did a most impressive job.  
  
Snake: It would have been a little more impressive if you remembered to give me my parachute.  
  
Hideo: Hmmmmm yea maybe your right.  
  
Maurice: ...Ok now the next one  
  
The next shot shows Snake eating a snake.  
  
Hideo: Ok well this shot shows survival and how Snake must hunt.  
  
Snake: Wrong again Kojima it shows that betting me 20 bucks will make me do some really weird shit.  
  
Maurice: ...well there goes the little kids who like the show...next.  
  
The next shot shows Snake diving off of the waterfall while the dogs are chasing him.  
  
Hideo: Ahh yes this shot shows Snake dive off a waterfall rather then shoot dogs. Maybe even a sensitive side of him.  
  
Snake: Well close Kojima but that scene wasn't even from the game.  
  
Hideo: You were looking for Hogwarts in those Harry Potter' books again weren't you.  
  
Snake: .yes.  
  
Maurice: Ok we will do one more photo.  
  
Barry: Anyone notice I haven't talked in a while. See how nudity gives you great self control.  
  
Maurice and Snake stand up. Snake lifts up Barry. Maurice opens the window.and well I think we know where this is headed.  
  
Snake: There we go much better.now where is this final screen.  
  
Maurice: Oh yea.  
  
The final shot shows Snake standing in the water while the forest behind him is on fire.  
  
Hideo: Ohhhh I really liked this one. As you can see Snake is once again surviving in one of the most hazardous disasters a brushfire.  
  
Snake: Ummm actually I had a gun and there was a huge pile of full gasoline cans.let's just say it wasn't a brushfire that god caused.  
  
Hideo: DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT FIRE COST US.YOUNG MAN YOUR GROUNDED.  
  
Snake: .wait a minute your not my father.Big Boss is.  
  
Hideo: Uhhh well I am your creator so I overrule your father so there.  
  
Maurice (sighs): Ok that's it this episode is over.  
  
Snake: Wait Maurice.there's still a picture in this machine.  
  
The screen changes to show a nude Barry doing aerobics.  
  
Snake and Hideo: OH DEAR CHRIST.  
  
Snake: I knew it Chavez.  
  
Maurice: Uhhh I haven't a clue where that came from.  
  
Producer: Ok that's it where ended this.  
  
Maurice: Uhh yes of course.ahem thank you for watching yet another episode of Pressing Issues.I SWEAR TO GOD I DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT PICTURE CAME FROM. 


	10. Episode 10: The Mullet Crossover Episode

Liquid Gear: Hey whats up. Yea I know it's been a while but college can be a real bitch sometimes. Anyway I'd like to thank all of the fans.all 5 of you out there...for coming back to this beloved fanfic err I mean show and enjoying all the crazy hijinks of Snake, Liquid, and the always nude Barry. Before I begin once again I just wanted to tell you that Maurice will no longer be with us. Something about a green card or something I don't know. So now I will be your faithful and of course loving host. Now for today's show it's time for the inevitable crossover episode. So today in the studio I have from Vice City Tommy Vercetti, the Mulleted Champion Solid Snake, and last but not least for all the rpg fans out there The One Winged Angel himself Sephiroth. Gentlemen welcome.  
  
Snake: Let's get one thing straight Gear if you ever call me the "Mulleted Champion" again I will shoot you so many times that even Raiden will feel sorry for you.  
  
Liquid Gear: Uhhh understood. Now Sephiroth you being a famous rpg character villain not a lot of people who play Metal Gear would know who you are wanna give us a little stuff about you.  
  
Sephiroth: Well let me see hmmm I murdered hundreds in an attempt to summon a giant meteor to destroy all life on earth...ummm I enjoy long walks on beaches and warm summer nights.  
  
Liquid Gear: ...right uh anything else?  
  
Sephiroth whips out his Masamune (It's a really big sword...get your minds out of the gutter)  
  
Sephiroth: I got a really big sword.  
  
Liquid Gear: DUDE!  
  
Snake smirks.  
  
Snake: Blades are for wimps.  
  
He whips out his gun. (God this episode is turning out a lot wronger sounding then expected)  
  
Snake: This is for real men.  
  
Sephiroth raises his sword and rapidly slices around Snake. The gun turns into small pieces of scrap metal.  
  
Snake: ...Understood I will refrain from making fun of swords while you're here.  
  
Liquid Gear: Ok as much as I love seeing shiny things. I think it's time we let our third guest speak. Tommy please tell us a little about yourself.  
  
Tommy: It's about damn time. I pretty much own all of Vice City you know. Gotta deal with a lot of assholes too but nothing I can do about that.  
  
Snake: Wow sounds really familiar do you have to deal with a blonde haired backstreet boy wanna be, or a too?  
  
Tommy: Nah I got this moron of a lawyer who will never just shut the hell up.  
  
Snake: Well close enough you ever just get the urge to shoot him.  
  
Tommy: Nah but sometimes I like to lock him in the truck of a car then leave him in there for like a week or so.  
  
Snake: ...hmmmmm that has some potential.  
  
Snake imagines Raiden locked in a trunk singing Jimmy cracks corn and laughs.  
  
Liquid Gear: What's so funny?  
  
Snake: Errr just a little something i am planning for later.  
  
He laughs again  
  
Liquid Gear: Ok good. You know Tommy and Snake it's really amazing how much you really have in common. You both have people that piss you off. The public think of you as badasses. (He snickers) You both love living in the 80's.  
  
Snake: GOD DAMMIT GEAR STOP JOKING ABOUT MY MULLET.  
  
Liquid Gear (Laughing): I'm sorry it's just you know business in the front and all party in the back man come on.  
  
Snake is shaking with rage.  
  
Producer: Ummm I think we should have a commercial now.  
  
Sephiroth: Am I even in this any more?  
  
You wanna lose weight but don't know how. Well there's only one person you need to call FATMAN.  
  
That's right Fatman's Dieting Service is #1 in all of your weight lose needs. How does it work you ask well it's quite simple:  
  
All you have to do is dial this special number and Fatman will arrive at your house in 2 to 4 weeks. Then he will wire you up with his magical C4 Suit and BOOM Lose all your body weight immediately.  
  
So remember when you wanna lose weight the painful and fatal way just call Fatman's Dieting Service at 1-800-LIQUIDGEARHASRUNOUTOFCOMMERCIALIDEAS  
  
Liquid Gear: And we're back...  
  
Snake: Your lucky to still be breathing you mullet dissing bastard.  
  
Liquid Gear: Errr anyway time to take your calls where the really odd people ask any question they want to anyone of our guests.  
  
Caller #1: MULLET MULLET MULLET MULLET MULLET MULLET MULLET  
  
Liquid Gear: Uhhh what kind question is that?  
  
Caller #1: Nothing just had to get it off my chest.  
  
Snake yells and fires off a bullet at Liquid but miraculously it bounces right off of his chest. The bullet travels to a close by apartment. The person living in the apartment is Raiden.  
  
Raiden: CRACKS CORN AND I DON'T CARE. JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND I DON'T CAREEEEEEEEEEEEEE...  
  
The bullet goes through the window and hits him causing him to collapse and the readers to cheer.  
  
Snake: That's weird why didn't it kill you.and why do I have this happy feeling.  
  
Liquid Gear: Comon I'm the author to you puny people I am god.  
  
Snake: Right.  
  
Tommy: For the love of...listen me and Sephiroth have gotten like two words this entire friggin episode.  
  
Liquid Gear: Cool down Tommy in fact this next caller is for you.  
  
Caller #2: Tommy is that you man listen man i've been in this trunk for like two weeks man I think I maybe need food...or water...or you know oxygen.  
  
Tommy: You know something this is stupid...I'm going to my strip club anyone wanna join.  
  
Liquid Gear, Snake, Sephiroth: HELL YEAH  
  
Tommy: Great then let's get the hell outta here and go this episodes died anyway.  
  
They all leave the studio.  
  
Caller #2: Tommy...buddy...  
  
(Well it's been too long and I like that there are people still reading this. I have a little break in my classes so the next episode. THE CHRISTMAS SPEICAL Will be a lot better. Thank you all who have been loyal and reading this your reviews are really cool. Until next time.) 


End file.
